Tuesday, October 21, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

My friend Renee has this ongoing problem with a guy she broke up with months ago about him going around town telling other guys “not to mess with her.”

No, he’s not in high school. 
He’s almost 40.

Riight.

Normally, this would simply be an eye-roll situation, but Leon and Renee both live in a small town where this type of warning gets around quickly.

And Renee, who is very interested in meeting someone who doesn’t act like he's in high school, said she began to notice all these cute, available guys suddenly become really stand-offish with her.

When one particularly cute guy Renee had been flirting with for weeks walked right by her one evening with barely a nod, she asked a mutual friend to get information.

“Oh...yea, Leon told me to stay away from her,” the cute guy said. “And I’m not trying to get involved with drama.”

!!!!!!!

Hello!!!!
Neither was Renee!

“Stop telling other guys to stay away from me!” Renee shouted on the phone to Leon. “What are you doing? ‘Marking your territory??' We broke up!

Leon denied doing or saying anything, which was beyond frustrating since, at that point, a handful of other guys in town told a similar story with a similar warning.

WTF!

I know. It seems weird that Leon seemed to have so much influence over other guys in their teeny tiny town. 

I mean, wouldn’t guys think Renee was MORE desirable for being “off-limits?”

Don’t guys like to be competitive like that?

Well...no. Not when they’re GROSSED OUT.

Because AFTER Renee yelled at him for scaring away guys, Leon went a step further. 

He actually walked into the most popular bar in town one night and ANNOUNCED, “Yea, I’m still wearing my work clothes even though it’s 9 at night because I was at RENEE’S HOUSE having SEX with her ALL AFTERNOON AND ALL EVENING! 

Newsflash: No he wasn’t.

"Haven’t gotten home to change.”

OMG.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How mortifying! How disrespectful!

So now, all the young, hot guys at the bar now had the mental image of Leon and Renee...um...together. 

ALL EVENING.

Ugh.

No less than five guys in town reported the “ALL AFTERNOON, ALL EVENING!” story back to Renee.

“It’s not true!” Renee kept saying. “We’ve been broken up for months! I don’t know why he’s doing this!”

It was a good question.

I mean really, WHO DOES THAT???


First of all, it wasn’t true, so he was lie-sabotaging her. 

Second, don’t guys leave that gross bragging in the high school locker room??

He’s ALMOST 40.

But even if it was true, who walks into a bar and loudly announces they’ve been hooking up with someone for the past six hours? 

Announces that to strangers???? 

NO ONE ASKED.

Ugh.

Stuff him in a locker.

-Jenny

Monday, October 20, 2014

How my twin sister got new legs

MAJOR LIFE ANNOUNCEMENT: My twin sister Joy is engaged!!!

TO BE MARRIED!!!

AHHHHHHH!!!!

And for some reason everyone is oddly asking ME how I’m doing.

“Did you know?”
“How are you feeling?” 
“How are you doing?”

“I'M THRILLED!” I say wholeheartedly, wondering what the fuss over me is all about.

WHAT AM I? A SAD BRIDGET JONES???

(I choose vodka...and Chaka Khan.)

“I mean...it’s like you’re losing your left leg,” was my friend Meredith’s thoughtful interpretation.

“What?!??!” I said. 

“AM I ABOUT TO CHOP OFF MY LEFT LEG??? WHERE IS IT GOING???”

I thought about that analogy for a while.

The thing is, Joy and I already had practice missing a leg.

When I moved back home to New Orleans in 2010, leaving Joy in South Carolina, it was a heart-wrenching experience for the both of us. And as shaky as we were on our ONE LEG EACH, she quickly found support in Daniel.

Daniel, a brilliant scientist who is also from New Orleans, who...ya’ll....actually went to high school with Joy but they never spoke back then, has, for the last several years, been Joy’s new leg.

A worthy replacement.

I suppose I didn’t have to necessarily go anywhere for her to find a new leg.

Because maybe that’s a good analogy for marriage anyway, finding someone who helps you walk through life without letting you fall too far backwards or fall forward splat on your face.

And over the past few years, during numerous visits and especially now that I moved back, I’ve been able to witness how their relationship formed and developed and got stronger and how they really balance each other out. (haha...so... many leg references.)

Joy and Daniel both get each other. They’re both comfortable around one another, they know each other’s nuances. 

If that game show “Newlyweds” was still on TV, they’d win all the points and they’re not even married yet.

They make each other laugh, they both go out of their way to be kind and sweet to one another.

But the most wonderful thing about Daniel, in MY opinion, is that he’s a perfect support system...even supporting the fact that Joy has had a perfectly FINE leg for the past 31 years and it will never go away.

She just found a new one, one she can stand comfortably on, one that she didn’t even know she was missing. And now not having it would be crippling.  

When Joy flopped on top of me yesterday, waking me up from my nap, like she always does, I was about to shout, “my alarm is set already!” but then she exclaimed, “Daniel and I are engaged!”

Somehow I knew it. When she told me that she and Daniel were going to take a sunset walk on the beach with their dog (“his idea”) I thought in my head, that’s....super romantic.

TWIN E.S.P.!!!!

“I knew it!” I replied immediately (because, really, this is all about ME haha) 

We both screamed and Joy was happy crying and shaking and overflowing with love because she had long decided that Daniel was the person she wanted to be with for the rest of her life.

For the rest of the night, I saw her staring at her beautiful ring, the one engraved with the words “hand in hand”....SWOON...and saw her tearing up looking at it, so glittery and shiny and perfect.

I know it sounds weird, but their entire aura has changed. They were closer than I’ve ever seen them before, grinning from ear to ear.

“You know you’re going to be my maid of honor, “Joy said immediately, then quickly added, “I mean, I don’t  even have to ask you.”

I know people are asking ME questions because Joy and I are twins and best friends and have always put each other first.

And now Daniel will come first, because that’s what happens when you marry someone.

But I’ve long seen this coming, long seen how they look at each other—sometimes ignoring the outside world for a few seconds—always meaning what they say and saying what they mean.

(And DUH...no one just gets a new leg without their old leg approving...come on people.)

So I tear up NOT BECAUSE I’M A SAD BRIDGET JONES, but because I’m so happy for Joy for locking in her fairytale. 

I tear up because I’m sappy, and this is the truly the happiest news we’ve ever experienced. And everything is going to change in a wonderful way.

I bought her a bridal magazine to thumb through last night and they toasted with champagne and I truly, truly, truly can’t wait to see how the world will unfold next.

SO...CONGRATULATIONS JOY AND DANIEL!!!!

May you walk on always, together, forever.









-Jenny 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Boys can be so MEAN. (FYI: I just realized that “mean” is really “men” with an extra vowel hahaha)

Also mean? Massive work deadlines that I’m under, so I CAN’T write a long Toolbag Tuesday story today with a moral and everything.

I know...I’m so mean.

But what I CAN do is post notes from Toolbag Tuesday submissions I’ve received that have NO moral.

The ones with a certain WTF quality about them...you know, where I don’t want any more information.

So without further ado, I give you: MEAN BOYS COMPILATION, TAKE 1:

1.) He dutch-ovened me on a one-night stand and then stole my shoes. (Ed note: hahahahaha I actually should get more information about this.)

2.) Immediately said
"don't tell Britney about this" after we hooked up (Britney is my best friend.)

3.) I planned a very sexy celebration weekend for his birthday and found out at dinner that he had actually gone out for his birthday (on the actual day) but I was not invited.

4.) Flew back to visit my long-distance boyfriend for the holidays after almost six months away and asked him, “So what are we doing for New Years?" And he said, "As of now, I’m going hunting."

5.) He had a ticket to go to France and then broke the news the day before he left that he was actually going to visit his ex-girlfriend there. He promised they were just friends and he’d email me all the time. I got one email from him, of a photo of a busted statue from a museum with no subject, note or description. He never called me again even after he returned.

6.) Picked a fight with me because he said I “cut green onions wrong” when I was making us nachos and it made him question our entire relationship.

7.) Found out he was picking up men AND women on Craig’s List, only because I got a notification that he changed our Craig’s List password. He was using the same account we had used to sell our sofa.

8.) Hooked up with a guy and the next day had a mutual friend/co-worker of his find out if he liked me, and he told her that he was actually secretly in love with her and asked her out to dinner that night.

...I mean, can there possibly be a moral to any of these??? 


Other than....just DON’T do any of these things, because they're really, really mean??

It’s common sense, really:

Don’t steal your one-night stand's shoes.
Don’t pick up people on Craig’s List.

..And make your own damn nachos.


Got a Toolbag Tuesday story? 


Email me at JennyJenny504@gmail.com

-Jenny

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

No, I don’t know what couples do with their finances when they get married.

I mean, I guess stay-at-home moms spend their husband’s money (side note: Luuuucky) but I don’t know what people with two incomes do.

Do they have separate accounts AND a joint account, like my twin sister and I did when we first bought a house together?

Or do they throw everything in one account and keep a hawk-like eye on each other’s purchases??

I don’t know, but the second one sounds pretty miserable.

Tara, my friend who was married to this guy Jeffrey, was in that miserable situation.  

She said she and Jeffrey had a shared account and he was adamant that she couldn’t spend ANY money on anything. 

She was basically working for HIM and HE controlled all the finances, paid all the bills, blah blah blah.

Tara said Jeffrey was so stingy with their money that OMG...he told her that they couldn’t afford for her to buy...uhhh...products for her time of the month.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was like a bizarre Seinfeld soup Nazi: 
NO FEMININE PRODUCTS FOR YOU!!!

OMG.

Did they NOT teach him about female reproduction in school??
Because the feminine products aisle isn’t optional, D-bag (hehe see what I did there, same aisle.)

But Jeffrey was insistent that they couldn’t "afford" it because they were “in over their head” on their mortgage.

“It got to the point that my mom was sending me care packages with tampons in them,” Tara said. “It was so embarrassing.”

WHAT HUSBAND SAYS HIS WIFE CAN’T BUY THAT??

No, WHAT GUY, period, says a female can’t buy that??

WTF!!

Sacrifice something else!! It's like $6!!!

(And run away as far as possible!!!!!!)

No surprise, their relationship went downhill very quickly, and Tara filed for divorce.

And Tara’s no bullsh*t lawyer found out that OH!!! They were broke and couldn’t afford tampons NOT because of their mortgage...

...but because HE WAS TAKING ANOTHER WOMAN OUT TO LUNCH EVERYDAY!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLOODY HELL!

Seriously. A cheater!!! Spending $40 on lunch dates five days a week, putting them into debt.

>Jaw drop<
>head shake<
>side eye<

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God, IS THERE ANYTHING REDEEMING ABOUT THIS GUY????

A cheating loser who told his wife they were too broke to buy what she needed from Walgreens because he was spending it on another woman’s lunch!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He should never be allowed to have a bank account again!

Or, speak to a female.

Or, you know, BREATHE. 

Period.

-Jenny

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Isn’t a relationship about making someone else happy? 

About seeing their face light up with joy over, say, a surprise home-cooked dinner, tickets to a concert or basically any effort at all?

And what’s happier than the happiest place on earth?

Answer: The Harry Potter theme park, also located in Orlando, Florida.

Short PSA announcement: if you’re dating a Harry Potter enthusiast, yes, they’d LOVE to go to the Harry Potter theme park, ThankYouVeryMuch. There’s a dueling dragon ride, Hogwarts castle (omg), butter beer with alcohol and wands and shit.

(For those of you making fun of this, you know if there was a Star Wars theme park you’d pee your pants, so stop.)

My friend Katie, for her part, was making her boyfriend, Andy, happy: she was going on a road trip to Florida with him to meet his mom for the first time. 

Katie and Andy both lived in Texas, but Andy grew up in Orlando. His mom worked at Disney World and she was really excited to meet Katie and give them free tickets to the Disney parks for the whole week.

Free tickets for a whole week in Disney World! A free place to stay!!

Katie was happy.

She met Andy’s mom and they got along great.

His mom brought them to Disney World the first day and she spent the whole day showing them cool things that the average visitor wouldn’t know. Katie was super impressed and took all of his mom’s advice about what parks to visit, what to ride, etc. for the rest of the week.

She said Andy was annoyingly uninterested and cranky, leaving her to pick up 100 percent of the conversation with his mom.

HEY, EEYORE, help a girl out!!

Katie said his mom was so sweet and so happy to be hosting them for a Disney vacation and they were talking on end about how much fun it all was but Andy remained a stick-in-the-mud about the trip...the trip HE suggested they go on.

Katie ignored him, because Snow White ain’t got time for that.

But really, who scowls at their girlfriend meeting-the-parents trip??? That’s best behavior time.

Especially at the happiest place on earth.

The second to last day of their week-long trip, Katie saw that the Harry Potter theme park had just opened nearby.

It wasn’t Disney, but it was a stone’s throw away and she was a massive fan.

“I’d LOVE to go to that!” she told Andy. “Maybe we can go tomorrow, on our last day here?”

Katie figured it would be a break from Disney and his mom. And they could stand to spend SOME money, since practically everything they had done was free or comped.

...Oh, and she had read every single book and watched every single movie and she was almost giddy at the possibility. Andy knew this.

“WHAT?? NO!” Andy said immediately. “No, we’re NOT going to Harry Potter theme park.”

GASP.

JAW DROP.

Katie was taken aback.

“Wait...why?” she said. “You know I love Harry Potter and we’re already in Orlando...”

“BECAUSE I HATE THEME PARKS AND I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THEM!” he said, putting his hand up to his eyebrow, like a salute.

Uhhhh ...this was all new information to Katie.

“Well, it was your idea to come here-“ Katie snapped.

“I’VE PUT UP WITH ALL OF THIS ALL WEEK FOR YOU AND I’M NOT GOING TO ANYMORE!” Andy said angrily. “I’M AT THE END OF MY ROPE FOR YOU!”

Hahahahahaha

Wait...all for her???! 
Was she supposed to be grateful for having to put up with cranky-ass EEYORE all week?

What happened to Prince Charming??

“Ummm you’re also doing this for your mom, who is really excited to hang with us and be able to give us tickets-“

Andy then threw a fit.

“I DON’T CARE! I GREW UP GOING TO THESE PARKS! I DON’T WANT TO GO TO ANY MORE THEME PARKS!”

Basically, he was throwing a tantrum like he was still a toddler in Orlando.

Katie didn’t mention that uh, HELLO, the Harry Potter park JUST OPENED and NO ONE has been there before, not even him when he was growing up. 

(I say growing up loosely).

Katie tried to explain that she was there in the first place to try and make HIM happy by meeting his mom and that she would really appreciate it if he went with her.

NO NO NO! he kept repeating.

UGH.

Katie didn’t want to go alone, so she sadly threw away the Harry Potter theme park brochure, sadder than Neville Longbottom when he lost his toad.

WHAT A DICK!!

One more day of a theme park and rides that would make his girlfriend happy and that was really too hard??

What kind of creature WAS he??? (NAGINI??!?!)

The annoying part is that Andy knew that if he had said yes, Katie’s face would LIGHT UP WITH JOY. He knew that.

Did he care?

Could he suck it up?

No!!!

He turned Katie into a sad Neville Longbottom.

They broke up shortly after they returned to Texas, because who wants to go out with an angry toddler who can’t even ENJOY LIFE for a day to make his girlfriend happy?

It was a perfect example of a much bigger issue in their relationship.

So she Avada Kedavra-d his ass and left. 

And if Andy had gone to the Harry Potter theme park, he’d know exactly what that means.

-Jenny  

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I love when an “F U” idea blows up in a person’s face.

It’s hilarious.

It's like stepping on your own flaming bag of dog poo.

SUCKKKA!!! (insert made up gang sign) THAT’S WHAT YOU GET! 

...A SHOE-FULL OF POO.

Charles, this shithead who dated my friend Ashley, thought he had a great “F U” idea for her.

They had a son together and were in a nasty custody battle over him. Despite Charles moving 500 miles away from Ashley (and New Orleans), he wanted their son full-time.

But he couldn’t find anything damning about Ashley not being fit for motherhood, so Charles came up with what he thought was a great idea. 

He mandated that Ashley take drug tests whenever he snapped his finger.

!!!!!!!!!!

That'll get her, he thought.

(Ya’ll. This actually exists.) 

“How about THAT!!?” Charles snarled when Ashley called him about it.

“You DO know this applies to YOU TOO, right?” Ashley retorted. 

“I can make YOU to take a drug test whenever I want, too.”

Charles was too busy cackling about the whole thing to listen.

The next day (obviously the next day) Charles invoked his new power and ordered Ashely to take a drug test.

“FINE,” She said.

Ashley calmly re-arranged her schedule and took time off work to go to a licensed clinic and get the test.

PASSED. 
Flying colors.

“I’M GOING TO NEED YOU TO DO ANOTHER ONE!” Charles demanded the next month.

Ashley was annoyed.

“Why?”

“BECAUSE I SAID SO!” he yelled.

Again she showed up to do the test and passed.

It was now his turn.

Ashley sent the request; he had 24 hours to comply.

But Charles decided that he wasn’t going to take a drug test, and ignored it.

...AND THEN SKIPPED TOWN.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR GOOD.

YA’LL!!!!!!!! 

HE'S GONE!!!!! 

ACTUALLY GONE!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HE RAN AWAY FROM THE DRUG TEST!!!!!

Hahahahaha

SUCKKA!!!!!

Yes, because of HIS great idea, 24 hours a day there are people trying to find him and serve him papers for contempt of court.

If he’s pulled over by a cop and identified, he’s going to jail.

Hahahahahahahahaha

IN YO FACE!!!

(Also: good luck getting custody of your kid when you’re a fugitive, idiot.)

Yet, right when Ashley was feeling satisfied with how this all went down, she got an email.

From Charles’ dad.

“We’re going to need you to go ahead and take another drug test,” he wrote.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

WTF!!!?

(ED. NOTE: TWO TOOLBAGS!! What father backs his fugitive son like that???)

TWO SHOE-FULLS OF POO!!!!!!!!

Ashley’s lawyer responded that she’s NOT taking another drug test until Charles takes the one she ordered for him five months ago.

Or, at the very least, until he SHOWS BACK UP IN SOCIETY.

I MEAN, WTF!?!!!!

On what planet is it OK to ask your ex to take a drug test when you refuse to do one yourself and are now hiding out from law enforcement somewhere?

GAW.

Delusion. 

Now THAT'S one hell of a drug.


-Jenny

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY


Also  a toolbag: the lack of content in the Google search "Ray Rice Asshole"

Ugh. Society.

-Jenny
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