Tuesday, August 26, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

RULE #1: Single people don’t have rules.

#Truth.

There’s an eCard that explains this perfectly:


If there’s an eCard it MUST be true!!

You may think I’m joking but I’m not.

Go ahead! Call me at 4:45 a.m.!!! Buy me a ticket to the Bahamas, leaving in an hour!

NO RULES!!!!

So basically, you can always tell someone isn’t really single when they throw around rules for you:

No, I can NEVER hang out on weekends....

No, you can’t come visit me at my apartment. You can only visit me at my FRIEND’S apartment.

Hahahaha

Today, my friend Kelli gave me a new one.

“Don’t call me after 5 p.m.”

Ahahahahahaha

These specific instructions came from Rob, this guy she met at a bar who was in town on vacation. 

Rob, who spent the night at her place. (Whoops).

Rob and his friend had followed Kelli (SINGLE!) and her roommate (SINGLE!) home to their apartment after a night of drinking and chatting and laughing and making out.

Rob was quick to show off his super toned body (with shirtless pics on Kelli’s phone to prove it) and then jumped into her bed, naked.

Kelli told him that it's one thing to make out all over town, but she wasn’t interested in sleeping with him right away. He grudgingly passed out. 

Then Rob woke up an hour later and walked into her roommate’s room, naked, and tried to get under her covers.

After a weird NO, DUDE and an umm...you were making out with my FRIEND, creep, Rob slept on the floor.

The next day, Rob and his couch-surfing friend drove two hours back home. Kelli got a text message from him.

“Hey! Call me! But don’t call me after 5 p.m.” Rob instructed.

Hahaha

“What????”

Kelli called him at 3 p.m.

“Don’t call after 5 p.m.? What, do you have a girlfriend?” Kelli asked, half-joking.

“Well...actually...” he said. “I have a fiancée.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

“...and we live together.”

Ahahaahahaha

I mean...DUH. 

“So I can’t talk to you anymore!” Rob said. “You can NOT contact me anymore!”

Hahaha

Rules, rules RULES!

(FYI: HE gave her HIS number.)

“Don’t worry, you definitely won’t be hearing from me again,” Kelli said.

Then she and her roommate talked shit about both of them for the rest of the hour—Rob for being a massive cheater...side note: WHY AREN’T GUYS REQUIRED TO WEAR ENGAGEMENT RINGS??!?!—and also his friend, for letting him.

(Tool by association.)

I MEAN GAW.

DON’T THEY HAVE ANY RULES???

Kelli kept her promise and hasn’t contacted Rob again. But she did keep the picture of his hot body. Which she forwarded to all her girl friends.

Because she can do whatever the F*ck she wants.

:)

-Jenny



Tuesday, August 19, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

My mom always told me to “try people on” when it came to dating and no, she did not mean it in a literal, gross way.

She meant it in a figurative, see-how-they fit-into-your-life kind of way.

A METAPHOR!!!

...Because maybe you THINK you have a use for a sparkly ball gown that looks really pretty hanging up, but when you try it on, it’s actually really uncomfortable and isn’t your style at all.

See?
A point!

Thanks ma.

CJ, this guy my friend Susan dated for a year, was that sparkly dress.

And thank GOD Susan found out he was actually really super uncomfortable before she BOUGHT him, because she was very close to having him hanging up in her house all the time.

Like a sparkly ball gown, CJ looked really, really good from afar. He was cute, extravagant and totally different than anyone she had ever dated before.

Susan tried him on for a few months and everything was great. 

She looked awesome, she felt good and she was really happy with her selection.

A big obstacle was that they were in a long-distance relationship. (Ugh. Never do it. EVER EVER.) She could only wear her sparkly dress every other month or so.  

Ha

But then, slowly, CJ started showing his major design flaws.

He became suffocating and clingy for no reason and at the same time started criticizing her and suddenly her cute, sparkly dress was so tight she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

And CJ wouldn’t let her take out the seam to make it fit better.

(Um..are ya’ll following this?)

“Every time I would try to talk about my feelings about being suffocated, he would get angry and say things like, "Why are you doing this to me?!" she said.

“He got mad at me for leaving him on the couch when he was passed out drunk, so I woke up in his bed alone to, "How could you do that?? You don't want to sleep next to me?!" Susan recalls.

Ugh. Dress drama.

Susan said it suddenly got to the point where she was walking on eggshells around CJ and the sparkly dress kept getting tighter and tighter and one day ON VACATION when he said he was going to move to her city, AND MOVE IN WITH HER IMMEDIATELY, WITHOUT ASKING, she had a bona fide panic attack.

A panic attack! 

Do you THINK CJ cared that she had a panic attack?

Or even try and get to the bottom of WHY?

No. He was too busy being distracted by his sparkly exterior to worry about Susan.

He was basically saying, “This will LOOK GREAT!!! US LIVING TOGETHER!!!”

While ignoring the fact that they weren’t great at all and not even Spanx could help her at this point.

I mean, who doesn’t infer that a PANIC ATTACK in response to “Guess what? I’m moving in with you!!!” is a problem??

AND WHO JUST ANNOUNCES THEY’RE MOVING IN WITH A GIRL WITHOUT ASKING???

CJ kept on.

Susan said that in that same visit, after lots of fighting and that pesky panic attack, they were getting ready for bed and CJ said, "Geez, babe, you’ve really put on a lot of weight."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

?????????????

THIS DRESS MAKES ME LOOK FAT!!!!

The next day, when she told him that his weight comment was NOT OK, his response was, "Well I was mad at you."

UNZIP. NOW. 

CAN'T. BREATHE.

After two more suffocating days on vacation, Susan was ready to go home and rip the too-tight, too-critical dress off her body.

When she got back to a reasonable 400 miles away from him, she told him that (Uh, DUH to normal people), she did NOT want him moving in with her.

He flipped out of course, telling her that SHE needed to “stop causing rifts.”

(…Says the guy who called her fat because he was mad at her.)

Ugh.

If you can believe it, CJ got even more tight ass when he then announced that not only was he planning to move into her apartment without asking, he was planning to replace most of her furniture that wasn’t up to his high, sparkly standards.

WHAT?!?!

Since when does a DRESS make these kinds of decisions??

It was nothing she had ever experienced before.

And it was clearly the worst dress purchase ever.

Susan finally broke up with CJ, as he clearly didn’t match anything about her, both literally and figuratively.

And now Susan can breathe.

And that is why you should always try people on.

-Jenny

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

There are a million reasons to have to apologize to someone and sleeping through a lunch date is one of them.

This happened to my friend Molly, but she broke the norm when she decided to apologize in person, at the guy’s apartment.

SURPRISE VISIT! 

WHAT COULD GO WRONG??

HA.

Molly met Joseph right after she got dumped by a guy she really liked.

She was out listening to live music to escape her heartbreak and didn’t expect one of the cute band members to start flirting with her after the set.

They started talking about college football and right then they made plans to go watch a college football game together the very next day.

It seemed like a good idea. Molly had tickets and wasn’t very well bringing her EX anymore. 

She and Joseph got along great and did I mention he was cute and in a band?

Joseph gave her his address and the next morning, Molly picked him up from his apartment. 

They spent the entire day together drinking beer, FLIRTING, MAKING OUT, hanging out with her friends and rooting for the home team.

They got along so well that Joseph spent the night at Molly’s place that night. 

The next morning he said he had to leave early to “take care of some things.” He said they should meet for lunch.

Seeing her two days in a row??

This guy must have really liked her!

He certainly seemed to. They literally spent 24 hours together after first meeting Friday night.

Molly told him lunch sounded great, but she fell back asleep after he left and when she woke up, she had slept through their lunch date completely.

And now she was running late for her job at a restaurant.

Molly looked at her cell phone and frowned. She definitely missed their lunch date by over an hour, but he had not texted her asking where she was.

She thought he must have been upset with her.

Oops.

Feeling guilty and slightly hungover, Molly decided to pay him a visit on her way to work...just to say that she was sorry about lunch, and that she had a really nice time with him that weekend.

...KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

When Joseph answered the door, he looked at her wide-eyed, in a very, “I just soiled myself” kind of way.

Molly explains:

“I walk in, and there’s a chick sitting at his table,” Molly describes.

Oops.

Joseph did his best to play off the situation, hahaha, introducing the two without titles or anything else descriptive.

Molly, this is Jane. Jane, this is Molly, without explaining who Jane was or who Molly was or that he SPENT THE NIGHT AT MOLLY’S THE NIGHT BEFORE.

Spoiler alert: Jane was NOT his sister.

After a few “What’s going on here?” questions from Jane, it was revealed that she was his FIANCÉE.

FIANCÉE!!!

...Who apparently was out of town to celebrate a bachelorette party that weekend.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was THEIR apartment!

Gross.

And here Molly was about to APOLOGIZE to him!!

Instead, Molly had to apologize to Jane, saying she had NO IDEA he was engaged (gross) because he was hitting on girls at bars after his gig, spending the night and asking them to lunch.

Taking advantage of a fiancée-free weekend! 

Wasting ZERO time getting into bed with someone else!

Gross.

Molly stood there, awkward.

What can you possibly say in this situation??

What do you do???

Jane knew what to do.

Molly said that despite her small frame, Jane suddenly FLIPPED OVER THE KITCHEN TABLE at Joseph, screaming at him.

FLIPPED OVER A TABLE! 

hahahaha

Damn girl.

Probably broke some (lunch) dishes, too.

Ha

GOOD.

Absolutely no apologies.

-Jenny

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

In general, guys don’t spend money on their girlfriends anymore.

It's a fact. 

(If you’re a guy who DOES pay for everything, keep it up. You’re a dying breed and we need your species to survive for the future.)

But as a general rule for men in their 30s, they don’t pay for shit. 

They don’t want to, they don’t need to. It’s actually possible to date a guy for six months and only set him back $40 of his own money because he lets you pay separate.

...Which makes this story even more hilarious.  

Curtis was one of these guys. 

He dated my friend Taylor for almost a year and during that time, Curtis never went above and beyond to take her out to fancy dinners, NEVER BOUGHT HER A MINK COAT, never whisked them away on a vacation or anything else that required an exorbitant amount of money.

Granted, Curtis was a car mechanic, but he still did fine.

She was living with her parents.

One day, Taylor noticed that her car tire was flat. She didn’t know what to do about it, didn’t know how to fix it and called Curtis in a very damsel in distress moment.

Since he, uh, WORKED IN A TIRE SHOP, she asked him if he could fix it for her. He happily obliged.

Taylor said she had no clue how much a tire cost, but told him she would pay him back when she got the chance.

Now, my source (Google) tells me that ONE tire costs $50 to replace. And that’s the price for an unknowing customer! Curtis, the mechanic, likely got a cheaper deal than that.

Within the day, the tire was fixed. 

Curtis and Taylor continued dating, but their relationship quickly went sour when Curtis started working the night shift at a new job and became paranoid that Taylor was cheating on him. She wasn't.

Maybe it was the night shift making him crazy, maybe it was because his schedule now meant they didn't see each other as often, but he was adamant that she was cheating on him.

“I live with my parents!” Taylor would say when she had to resort to using LOGISTICS to prove her point.

“You really think I’m bringing guys over to my parents’ house to hook up??”

Taylor said the accusations became increasingly insulting and she broke up with him.

Of course Curtis didn’t take it well, and there were “several screaming phone calls where he was calling me a whore, a cheater, and a few other really bad things,” she recalls.

That’s when Curtis also told her that he was coming over to her parents’ house to SERVE HER WITH PAPERS.

!!!!!!

Papers??

What?

Taylor then had to tell her parents that her whacked-out ex-boyfriend was possibly on the way over with some sort of papers.

“What kind of papers?” they asked.

It was a good question.

She called him back.

“What kind of papers?” Taylor demanded, with her parents by her side.

She’ll never forget his response:

Papers because I’m suing you for all the money I spent on you while we were dating, and for the new tire I just bought you!" 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

SUING HER!!!!

For all the MONEY he spent!!

What, did he keep itemized receipts from the dive bar down the street he’d take her to??

No. This was mainly about the $50 tire. 

HAHA
  
What a douche!!

Taylor’s parents laughed really hard.

No surprise, Curtis never came over that day or served her papers. 

(Probably because lawyers cost more than $50.)

But Curtis did reach a new low standard for guys everywhere—a guy who not only doesn't pay for shit, but feels like he needs to be reimbursed for the paltry amount of money he did spend.

(And uhhhh what about the money SHE spent on HIM when she would pick up the tab...repeatedly??)

My God, the way he was acting you’d think he bought her a brand new car, not just a stupid tire.

Ugh.

At least she was able to drive far, far away from him.

-Jenny

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

This guy I went out with once, on our first date, told me he used to be addicted to meth and was actually a meth dealer for a while, plus he dated a stripper.

Awesome, I thought to myself. Please don’t come near me without a hazmat suit on.

Who the HELL would reveal that on a first date?

Newsflash: you’re supposed to be as appealing as possible on a first date, like a dog up for adoption at the pound. 

(i.e. don’t be annoying until you get to your new home.)

Ha

(Wait...this sounds familiar.) 

I’ve written about a lot of bad first dates, but when I heard about how this douche William behaved on a date with my friend Kelli, my jaw dropped.

She WISHED he had been a meth dealer.

Ha

Just kidding mom.

Even though they met on the horrible dating website (they’re all horrible, really) Tinder, he was cute, had a proper job and he suggested they meet at a cool new hot spot in town.

Kelli stalked his Facebook page (research!) before their date and his pictures were fun, happy—48 likes on a profile picture! Hello Mr. Popular!!!

(Second newsflash: Facebook is not reality.)

Kelli said the minute she saw him, she got excited. 

But then the minute he started talking, she wanted to slam her head against the beautiful copper bar top. 

If I were the editor of Urban Dictionary, his picture would be under the definition for “douche.”

First, over a bottle of wine that SHE PAID THE BILL FOR (I can’t even), he asked her about her religion, which is a DON'T on a first date.

But Kelli responded anyway, saying she was raised Catholic and went to Catholic School, like most people in New Orleans.

William wasn’t a good listener.

“So, are you Jewish?” he asked her TEN minutes later.

WHAT??!?

Oy vey.

William then decided to show off his sensitive side by telling her that he was with his ex-girlfriend for too long because right when he wanted to break up with her, her dad “dropped dead” and man, TIMING SUCKS.

Uhhh that’s not the only thing that sucks.

Newsflash #34729342895: Worse than talking about religion on a first date is talking about parents dying, because IT’S REAL, YA’LL.

And it just so happened that Kelli’s mom had passed away the previous year, and she was heartbroken.

“Yea, so her dad DROPPED DEAD and I had to go with her to the FUNERAL,” William said.

“I hated having to be NICE to her because I really couldn't stand her.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!?!?!?!?!?!?!

What an insensitive prick.

Kelli said William kept using the phrase “dropped dead.”

It was gross.

DROP DEAD, WILLIAM.

Kelli tried to keep it together, but all she could think about was her own mom’s death and going to her own mom’s funeral and thinking about the guy she was dating at the time and she teared up right there at the bar.

“I’m sorry, I have to leave,” Kelli said. 

It was then that William finally got around to paying attention to her, and saw she was upset.

Did he care?

No, he didn’t care.

Movie scene time!!!!!

Seriously: 

"I'm sorry, I have to leave," Kelli said.

“Good, see ya, I ran into another ex-girlfriend before our date and we are going out tomorrow and I’m still in love with her,” he responded.

!!!!


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(Ed note: Yea right. That's probably what he says to every girl who walks away from him.)

William didn't even ask her if she was OK!

Or even ask her what was wrong!

HAHAHAHAHAHA 

Who DOES that??!?

48 Facebook DISLIKES!!

I mean, were there hidden cameras somewhere?

Did she really pay $30 to sit at a bar with a douche who made her cry?

Ugh.

"Do you want the number for the former meth dealer?" I offered.

Hahahahaha

Oy vey.

-Jenny

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It’s just an unfortunate fact of life: Not everyone has an identical twin sister to bring as their date to work-related, couple-y events.

...Which is where a boyfriend really comes in handy.

I know, I know, who goes to a work-related couple-y event in THIS economy???

Who’s throwing a gala??

My twin sister, Joy, has been my date to work-related couple-y events for ten years.

(Christmas parties, retirement parties...uh…Harry Potter opening night at the movies.)  

This isn’t so much because I’m perpetually single (uh...), it’s because I’ve made the BONEHEAD decision to have long-distance relationships for most of my life.

And no one is flying 1,000 miles to go to a stranger’s retirement party, no matter how many crab cakes they promise.

Not that I mind having Joy there.

She’s the perfect work-related, couple-y date: She talks excitedly to everyone, is genuinely interested in who they are/what they do, and when co-workers and I get into deep conversations about the state of print journalism, she brings over the remaining bottle of wine.

(It also helps that people fuss over how alike we look. Instant conversation starter!!!)

Call me crazy yuppie, but it’s really important to have a date with you to a work-related, couple-y event.

(Weddings are different. At a wedding you’re with friends, you’re drinking, you're dancing and you're probably checking out a groomsman. Ha.)

For a work-related, couple-y event, however, you need to have someone to talk to (so you don't end up standing in the corner alone by the cheese), someone to SHOW OFF, someone who supports you and your career.

And, let’s not forget, someone who you’ve been telling your co-workers about.

You can imagine my excitement when I found myself in a proper relationship with a guy when I lived in New York.

I had just started a new job at a book publishing company, Joy and I had just moved to the city...THE CITY HE LIVED IN...and I was invited to several work-related, couple-y events within the first week of getting there.

I CAN BRING A PROPER DATE!?!?!

SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?!!?!

Riiiiiight, that was the year I realized the difference between a good boyfriend and a bad boyfriend.

(And not knowing the difference until you live in the same city.)

Forehead slap!

His name was Edward and he was a financial adviser, which translates to super big hotshot in New York.

He was from New Orleans, my hometown, and I was excited to be in the same city as him after almost a year of dating long-distance.

I told him after my second day of work that there was a company birthday party at a bar on Friday night and asked if he could he please come with me.

I made it obvious that it was important, and how I wanted him to meet everyone.

He said yes.

YES!

When everyone at work started buzzing about the party, I told them that we would both be there.

I actually beamed saying it. (Awwww 25-year-old Jenny.)

Edward didn’t have to work Friday night and had nothing going on. It was a perfect gathering for everyone to meet—a reserved outside patio at a bar.

I went straight after work. Edward said he’d meet me there.

I waited. And waited.

After a HALF-HOUR, people were asking where he was. “Oh, I don’t know, maybe he got stuck on the subway,” I said.

NO.

“Hey...do you mind if I don’t go?” Edward spoke the horrifying words into my cell phone 45 MINUTES after the party started.

“What? Why?” I asked.

“I just...don’t want to be on a smoky patio. You know how much I hate smoke.”

WHAT???

I looked around, and ducked out of earshot.

“No one is smoking...” I said. “What are you doing?”

“Just watching TV on the couch.”

I could have killed him, seriously.

“Well, I really want you to be here,” I said. “I’ve only been working here for five days, I don’t know anyone, I’d like a friend with me.”

Edward wasn’t moved.

“Yea, well, if it was ANYWHERE else...” he said. “Anywhere with no smoking...”

UGH.

UGH!!!!!

Seriously??

You can’t SUCK IT UP for two hours?

What about,“I really want you to be here” DIDN’T he understand??

I almost cried, I remember. I felt like such an idiot.

And what a dorky excuse, too.

Oh, he doesn’t want the POTENTIAL to have to smell cigarette smoke the required 20 feet away from the entrance??

JOY WOULD NEVER HAVE PULLED THAT SHIT!!!!

(SPOILER ALERT: It was a B.S. excuse. He was just selfish and unsupportive.)

But because I was 25 years old and really wanted it to work out between us, I forgave him and downplayed my hurt.

Until the next WORK-RELATED, COUPLE-Y THING, of course.

The second gathering, THE NEXT WEEKEND, was a “field day” picnic at Central Park (Central Park!) where everyone played Trivial Pursuit and volleyball.

“Free food!” I said to Edward.

I mean, why the F did I have to twist him arm about it?

It was a great Saturday date anyway. A stroll and picnic in the damn park.

“Yea, well, I’m planning on going to the gym until 2 o’clock...” Edward said.

My teeth clenched.

“Could you...maybe skip the gym this Saturday?” I said.

“Ohhh....I don’t really want to,” he said.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s when I lost it.

Here I was a new resident to HIS city and he couldn’t even carve out time to be my date to an effing Saturday picnic.

I tried to be more clear.

“HEY, GUESS WHAT??” I said. “I’M TELLING PEOPLE THAT I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. WHEN YOU DON’T SHOW UP TO THINGS LIKE THIS AND HAVE NO REAL REASON WHY NOT, IT MAKES ME LOOK BAD.

IT MAKES ME FEEL BAD.”

“Ok, I’ll come,” he finally said.

“Thank you.”

Edward arrived at the park at 3 p.m.

“SORRY I’M LATE, I WENT TO THE GYM,” he announced.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This guy.

And that’s when I realized that Edward wasn’t just clueless, he really didn’t care about making me happy.

He didn’t care about anything but himself.

And no amount of explaining my feelings would make him be a supportive person, or make him stop doing whatever the F he wanted to do.

On the bright side, Joy won second place in Trivial Pursuit that day. 

:)

-Jenny
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