Tuesday, April 26, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

I don’t think many doctors (or my mom) would agree, but I DON’T think it’s a terrible idea to get someone you’re interested in completely shitfaced drunk just to see the kind of person they really are.

LOL

I say this isn’t a terrible idea because seemingly normal people bring out their true colors and intentions when shitfaced. Some turn into racists, others like to get into fights and punch strangers.

These are all dating deal-breakers, but how are you supposed to KNOW this information without the test of too much tequila?

It was convenient that this guy, Marty, who hit on my friend Stacey, got shitfaced drunk over the course of the night, because had he NOT gotten shitfaced, Stacey would have accepted a date.

But his true colors came out and it turns out he’s gross.

Marty started out his pickup line very eloquently. He and Stacey were both waiting in line to get a beer and he told her that he liked her glasses. (Yea! Four eyes unite!)

“They look really good on you, I’ve never seen glasses look so good on someone,” Marty said.

SWOON.

Stacey adjusted them on her face sheepishly and said thanks. They both introduced themselves. His name was Marty, and he made some joke about how only cool people have names that end in Y.

They chatted until they each were served a beer and then went their separate ways.

The next time Stacey went to get a beer, Marty also went to get a beer, meeting her at the bar and offering to buy her one. (Also eloquent.)

Stacey accepted and they talked briefly about what part of town they each lived and what they did. Then Marty asked her for her number.

Stacey told him that she didn’t give her number to strangers and what if he was a creep and wouldn’t stop calling or texting?

LOL

He laughed and then told her to get his number and he ended up writing it down on a napkin.

“Call me Stacey, with a Y!” he said. Cute. Then he disappeared.

Stacey was flattered and actually WOULD HAVE CONSIDERED calling him, but then, an hour later, Marty resurfaced…shitfaced. Thankfully.

He came up to her as she was dancing and…seriously…said, "hey…I really like your glasses.”

LOL

DÉJÀ VU!

“Uhhh...yea…I know,” Stacey said.

“Hi, I’m Marty,” he said.

LOL

“I know,” Stacey said. “We talked earlier.”

The napkin was still in the back pocket of her jeans.

“OK, good,” he said. Then he got close to her ear and whispered, “I’m really looking for some hot P*SSY tonight.”

Then he eyed her up and down.

LOL

As if that was even a remote possibility!

GROSS.

Stacey walked away from him and went back to her friends, telling them about how this seemingly cute guy who liked her glasses and bought her a beer is not cute at all but is just looking for a girl to sleep with.

THEN…as if it was planned, Marty came up to Stacey’s group of girl friends and repeated the exact same line. 


Seriously, the same guy who she had told her friends about just a half-hour earlier, excited about their maybe date.

Marty came up to a girl who WASN’T Stacey and whispered in her ear, “I’M LOOKING FOR HOT P*SSY.”

LOL

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“NOT IT!” the girl yelled, and ran to the bathroom.

LOL


And then Marty then got worse. 

He wouldn’t leave them alone even though they told him to go away and the BARTENDER had to come over and tell him to leave. And escort him out.

“I can’t believe I actually considered calling him,” Stacey recalls. “I almost went out with a guy who got thrown out of the bar AND used the P word!”

It was clear that she dodged a bullet, and it was all thanks to alcohol. Copious and copious amounts of alcohol.

HOW DO I MAKE THIS CAUTIONARY TALE A REQUIRED DATING ACTIVITY???

New dating rule #2423532: GET THE GUY YOU THINK IS CUTE DRUNK and see if he solicits every girl in the bar to have sex with him.

This may be the smartest idea I’ve ever come up with.

(adjusts glasses.)

-Jenny

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Preparing my presidential candidacy on my birthday

Today I am 33. Which on one hand (well not entirely one hand….more like 6.2 hands…uhhh nerd) sounds really OLD and then on the other hand, I still can’t run for president so I’m not old enough to officially be responsible for a nation.

So, I’m still young.

It’s also my twin sister, Joy’s birthday…her first birthday as a MARRIED woman, which is exciting and all, but she’s also not responsible enough to run a nation, ring or no ring.

Looking back, 32 was the year I noticed that my body was no longer Superhuman and there are repercussions for my constant gallivanting around town.

Hangovers started becoming crippling, for one thing. Trips out of town for vacation took longer to recover from. (I know, life is so hard.)

JESUS, WHERE IS MY CANE.

I can’t just work out at the gym for a week and see results immediately anymore.

I have to wear glasses almost exclusively now.

I turn down complimentary bread at restaurants with the excuse “older people” use about how “no thanks, I’m already ordering pasta and I don’t need any more carbs to go to my THIGHS!”

Ya'll...I SAW AN OLD DVD OF MY SO-CALLED LIFE AND IDENTIFIED WITH THE PARENTS.

(I will turn in my cool pass now.)

But 32 was a bitchin’ year all the same and I did a lot. More than some people do in a lifetime.

I traveled to Austin, Texas, Suwannee, FloridaLos Angeles, the Dominican Republic, New Orleans FIVE times, Edisto Beach, SC and Washington D.C. These were not work-related trips.

And yes, it took me a week to recover from each. 

(Especially Austin, I searched Twitter a week after my flight to see if anyone had posted a picture of a passed out blonde girl in cowboy boots sprawled on the floor of Concourse B.)

I was in three weddings at age 32.

Simultaneously, I joined, and then quit, Match.com. 

LOL

I got a dog! (No I did mean to non-sequitor DOG after mentioning Match.com, but it’s fitting, and it stays.)

I quickly learned that dogs get up at 7 a.m. every day to eat.

I’d like to think that even if my body is getting DUMBER each year (since when is it OK to just start rejecting my nightly bottle-of-wine-and-Netflix life choices, body???) 

...My brain is getting smarter.

I am realizing the financial benefits of staying in sometimes. (seriously, take away my cool card.)

I’m trying to be a better cook

Joy and I are finally selling the house we bought 8 years ago. These are all "smart choices," or so says Money Magazine.

Also, I’m reading Money Magazine.

In fact, currently, I am hobbling around because I pulled something in my leg while painting the ceiling of the bathroom last night.

(At least I didn’t try and balance on a bar stool in the tub this time. See? Getting SMARTER.)

At midnight last night, when it was officially my 33rd birthday, I was scrubbing the sh*t out of my oven, head completely inside of it, like the witch from Hansel and Gretel.

Not out with friends taking a tequila shot.

OH GOD, I’M OLD.

But even so, I’m hopeful and excited about what 33 has in store.

Because say what you will about my life choices, they aren’t boring. 

(Or cheap! –Citibank)

(BITE ME CITIBANK)

I'm going to try and write more. I am currently writing a pilot for a TV show, a mystery novel, a children's book and a young adult novel in which I hope to include a vampire. (#NeverStopHustling)

That should keep me busy for the next 365 days.

But if somehow, SOME WAY I find myself bored, it's good to know that in two years, I’ll be able to run for president.

:)

I think my dog will enjoy the White House lawn.

Oh, and, obviously...Joy for Vice-President. 

Here's to the BEST 33rd year ever.

-Jenny

VOTE FOR ME!

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

As someone who has been single from ages 28-32, I can tell you for a fact that the “wedding ring check” on a guy is very real, and *almost* as important as checking out his ass in jeans when he walks to the bathroom.

LOL

…Which is exactly why I’ve noticed a super disturbing trend lately: married guys aren’t wearing their wedding rings.

AS IF PEOPLE AREN’T ON ALERT FOR THEM.

I can’t imagine how this is OK with their wives.

(I also can’t imagine how this would be OK if the roles were reversed and their wives ventured out to a bar with no ring.)

But this past weekend I noticed three married guys with naked ring fingers, and now that I think about it, two more bare ring fingers came across my eyes earlier this month.

No, these men aren’t going through a divorce. 

This has totally ruined my fairytale about how guys are super proud of the fact that they’re taken and want the WORLD to see their “I’m taken” jewelry.

Also, I thought guys really wanted a daily reminder of the time they spent $25,000 on a four-hour party.

LOL

All joking aside, though, THIS IS BECOMING A TREND. And there aren’t any good excuses for it.

The DUH obvious reason is to come across as single and sleep with other people. 
(See: here).

But then there’s the excuse that someone lost too much weight, or gained too much weight and now the ring doesn’t fit.

Obviously that person hasn't been to Wal Mart’s elegant jewelry case and found a right-sized ring for $9.99. 

Fun fact: this is also the price of a ladies’ diamond ring at Wal Mart.

(Side note: Since when is it attractive to gain so much weight that you can’t fit your wedding ring on your finger???)

Females never seem to find excuses not to wear their wedding rings, especially when in public. 

Even the girls in the Crossfit class I took for a month wore Lance Armstrong-type rubber rings on their ring fingers!!

Say what you will about Howard Stern, but even he has the decency to tattoo his ring finger with his wife’s name so that even if he “forgets” his ring one day, people will knows he’s married.

The most hilarious case of a naked ring finger happened in an Uber, where the attractive Uber driver was congratulating my friend on her recent engagement.

“Marriage is great!” he said. “I’ve been married for a year! You’ll love it!”

My friend then scanned him from his hairline to his fingertips, old habits of the single girl (LOL)

“Well…where is your wedding ring?” she asked.

“Oh…I uhh….forgot to put it back on,” he said uncomfortably.

“What do you mean?” I asked from the back seat, frowning. “I didn’t know guys even took them off.”

“LOOK I WAS IN THE SHOWER!” he screamed.

Screamed.

LOL

My friend and I looked at each other, muffling our laughter.

“MY WIFE KNOWS HOW MUCH I LOVE HER, OK!!?!??” he said, as if simply asking him the ring question was the third degree. “OK??!?!”

LOL

"Your wife might...but other people don't," I wanted to say. 

Then I thought about all the young hot girls he drove around nightly.

I almost said: Have you checked out those Lance Armstrong rubber rings? They’re waterproof!

But I doubted he would care. 

And suddenly had no interest in checking out his ass.

-Jenny

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

There are some things you really just need to tell someone you’re dating. "Deal-breakers" if you will.

Like, I used to be a woman.

I’m actually your cousin.

…I’m currently awaiting trial for a felony cocaine charge. (Speaking of, have I mentioned that I wrote a letter to OKSTUPID telling them they should invest in background checks?!?!?)

Um.
Anyway.

I believe that telling your new girlfriend that you are technically married counts as “need to know.”

AmIRight?

For the record, there are plenty of girls who don’t mind dating someone who is “technically separated,” especially here in South Carolina where a separation lasts an entire year where no one is supposed to date anyone else.

But my friend Hillary didn’t live in South Carolina. And the guy she was dating, Joe, wasn’t some poor guy waiting out a 12-month separation sentence.

No, he didn’t tell her he was married at all. And he STILL wouldn’t have, but, alas, he slipped up.

Hillary and Joe dated for FOUR months. They met while watching some college game at a bar and connected right away. Joe was cute and had a really good job and was supposedly single and available. 

He spent the night at her place a lot. But surprise!!! (not really), she never went to his house.

It’s because he lived about 45 minutes away and “didn’t want to subject her to the ‘burbs'” and always traveled to see her, in the cool, hip downtown.

But then, right as she was getting excited about this new relationship, he slipped. 

While they were talking at her house about something as innocent as cheese.

CHEESE IS THE GREAT EQUALIZER!!!

Hillary said something about how she didn’t like a certain type of cheese when Joe blurted out casually, “Oh, yea, my wife doesn’t like that kind either.”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(insert record scratch) ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

His what???

“YOUR WHAT??!!” Hillary yelled. This was the first time he had ever mentioned that he had a wife.

Hillary said the blood drained from Joe’s face and that...OMG...

He ACTUALLY SLAPPED HIS OWN FOREHEAD. 

Like  D’OH!!!!!

DO’H, HELL NO

“You have a WIFE?!?!” Hillary exclaimed, scrambling to put on clothes.

“Oh, no….um…no…we’re…uhhh…separated!” Joe said.

Right.

Note: He didn’t say “ex-wife.”

“YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE EVER MARRIED!” Hillary yelled.

She thought back to their conversations over the past four months, all those “getting to know you” conversations about places they had visited and lived, college, jobs, etc. 

He failed to mention that he oh, GOT MARRIED during this time.

What a tool.

Hillary promptly kicked him to the curb and blocked his number from her phone.

And thanked God for their cheese conversation.

LOL

(Forehead slap.)

-Jenny

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It’s nice to know that even if you don’t personally get a sketchy vibe from your date, there are always eyes and ears watching.

(This is why it’s a good idea to go somewhere in public.)

My friend Giselle explains: “I met this guy online, and on our third date we were at a bar for a drink and a random guy came up and said, ‘Hi, are you Charles?’ To which Charles responded, ‘Yeah! You must be Rachel’s brother.’”

(Uhhhhh)

Giselle raised her eyebrows but no one clued her in.

The guy says, "Can I talk to you for a second over here?"

(Uhhhhh)

Giselle said that Charles left her at the bar while he had a three-minute conversation with the guy.

Was this a drug deal???

They had already finished their drinks and were getting ready to go, so when Charles got back from his conversation, they grabbed their coats and headed out the door.

"That was weird... What did he want to talk to you about?" Giselle asked. 

"He wanted to know if we were on a date or something," Charles said.

"Why?"

"Oh, his sister Rachel, she must have a crush on me or something." 

Or something. LOL

Obviously this was a red flag. 

"So, he just pulled you over and asked you if you were on a date because his sister has a crush on you?” Giselle asked.

Charles responded: "Yeah, well Rachel is a weird girl, and he's her twin brother, so I guess that's just how they are." 


LOL

(Ed note: TWINS AREN’T WEIRD!!!!) 

Giselle, who isn’t an idiot (or weird), clearly knew something was off. 

“None of my questions were being answered in any plausible manner, and so I just straight out said, ‘Hey, we're not exclusive, so you can tell me if you're seeing Rachel. I'd like to know." 

"I don't have a girlfriend. There is no Rachel," Charles said. 

THERE IS NO RACHEL. 

How dramatic.

Giselle said she was still “skeeved,” but since they had only been on three dates and had only slept together once, she didn’t feel like she needed to get super upset. 

LOL

But then, shortly after that night, Charles got distant. 

He'd respond to her texts with one-word answers and stopped asking when she was free to hang out. 

So Giselle did what any normal 30-something female would do: She looked him up on Facebook. 

A photo. Of Charles and a girl. 

Caption: "Me and Charles." 
Posted by: Rachel
Comments: "Oh my gosh! You two are so cute!" "Great seeing you guys the other day!” etc.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought THERE WAS NO RACHEL, CHARLES. 

It was clear from the likes and comments that Charles wasn’t just a guy friend or a crush (LOL); they were definitely together.

...Unless that was Rachel's twin brother in drag. 

(Weirdo)

LOL 

-Jenny

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

It’s always hilarious to hear the excuses guys come up with when they are caught red-handed cheating on their girlfriends.

Of course, no one can top Greg, the guy who told his girlfriend that the woman he was cheating on her with was a job recruiter. (LOL LOL). But this guy Tom is a close second.

Tom dated my friend Lindsey for three years, maybe even longer. Lindsey knew that Tom was a flirt with every female he met, but after several lengthy trips out of town, she snooped on his phone and computer and saw that he was actively cheating on her using every possible online platform.

Tom had reached out to a 20-year-old from Italy through Match.com and messaged her requesting to see pictures of her with her top off. And offered to fly her to New York.

He had OK Cupid profile, a Tinder profile, profiles on sites she hadn’t even heard of. And then: OMG.

According to his emails, he slept with the host of an Air BnB where he stayed the previous month.

OMG.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While he was sleeping with Lindsey!!!

SO gross.

Lindsey, who can only express her disgust in all caps elaborates further: 

“NOT TO MENTION I SAW HIS INTERNET TABS AND SEARCH HISTORY WAS FULL OF BACKPAGE ESCORT ADS, CRAIGSLIST SWINGERS ADS, CRAIGSLIST WOMEN 4 MEN WANTING SIDE DICK, ETC. ETC. - you get it. Ew. Ew. Ew.”

Ugh

Lindsey didn’t know what to do. She was horrified and humiliated.

She left Tom’s house without a confrontation and brewed about it for two days, ignoring his calls and texts.

Then she made the phone call.

Lindsey said her opening line was, “I know exactly who you are.” But before she could give him her prepared speech, she said Tom started laughing.

Laughing.

“He asks if I am referring to the items he ‘planted’ in his phone for me to find,” Lindsey said.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHA

That’s the best he could come up with in two days?

THAT HE “PLANTED” “FAKE” EVIDENCE OF HIM ASKING A 20-YEAR-OLD FROM ITALY TO SEND HIM A TOPLESS PHOTO?

Well. 
If so, he certainly committed to the mission.

LOL

And even if Tom wasn't completely full of shit, since when is “planting” “fake” “evidence” of you cheating on your girlfriend a good life lesson?

It’s not.

And obviously, it was all a lie.

Lindsey called him out on it, saying OBVIOUSLY these weren’t fake accounts on fake sites, these were very REAL messages from a very REAL Tom to very REAL girls asking to see their boobs and SERIOUSLY, TOM? CRAIG’S LIST ESCORTS??

…Also, maybe she'll just go ahead and report that Air BnB host.

My question is: did he really think she was that stupid?

Do guys really think their girlfriends are that stupid???

(Were any of these women JOB RECRUITERS?!?!??)

Ugh.

FIRED.

-Jenny

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

TOOLBAG TUESDAY

Now, I’m not saying that giving a wedding speech is easy work, but someone with a remotely working brain can pull it off.

I mean, haven’t we all seen enough romantic comedies to know the DOs and DON'Ts by now????

1.) Don’t use the speech as an excuse to shit all over love and marriage.

2.) Don’t use the speech to overshadow the wedding and propose to someone.

3.) Don’t tell everyone that they both love the color green, like his eyes and her love of money. :)

Here’s a new rule: Don’t blindly copy and paste a speech off of the internet and then read it in front of 200 people.

(This is where the “remotely working brain” counts.)

Henry, a best man (well, in the context of a wedding…) decided to blindly copy and paste his speech off the internet and read it without thinking. 

...Without thinking about his girlfriend that is.

To everyone who attended the wedding of Jessica and Andy, Henry was very much taken. 

His date was a very pretty girl in a very pretty dress who was all over him. 

She draped her arms around him and kissed him a lot on the dance floor. There was no question that Henry was there with her, and that they were together.

…Which made his best man speech even more mortifying.

His opening line, in front of 200 people, was, “I hope one day I find someone as beautiful and kind as Jessica…”

ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (insert record scratch noise)

ONE DAY?!?!?!?

ONE DAY?!?!?!?!?

Everyone had seen his pretty girlfriend all over him, making out in the buffet line. 

LOL

She sat there next to him, mortified. 

MORTIFIED. 

When people started chuckling uncomfortably (OMG) Harry backtracked, bringing more attention to the situation for the people who hadn’t been listening in the first place.

“Errrr… I mean….I have found…ummmm….I have found someone….as…pretty….”

LOL
LOL
LOL

THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T PLAGIARIZE A WEDDING SPEECH FROM THE INTERNET, HARRY!!!! 

Or maybe have someone else proofread your speech before you decide to announce to everyone that your current date isn’t beautiful or kind enough to marry, but that you hope to meet that person in the future.

Seriously, I can’t think of anything more mortifying. 

What a dumbass.

No one really spoke about it afterwards (there was already too much speaking), but needless to say, all PDA between the two of them stopped for the rest of the reception.

LOL

I think Adam Sandler should play him in the romantic comedy movie version of this.

-Jenny
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